As some of you may know, I lost my mother in 1998. It’s an experience that has dominated my life, for all of the reasons. I was and am very fortunate that my father and sisters and I responded to this reality by hunkering down, turning inward, and helping each other. I realize this is not always the case, however.
I am currently watching a family go through this process, and it’s beautiful to see them lean in, assume good intent, and give where they can. In my experience, in these moments, families either become insular (for lack of a better word) and get through the moment together, or they splinter and rift. The former is admirable while the latter is such a tragedy that can be mitigated.
If your family dynamic isn’t ideal (or even if it is), I find it’s best to start with the basics:
- Goal - What is the outcome that you both want?
- Needs - What are some non-obvious things that matter to you?
- Intent - What can we do for each other to help show we are both trying?
Having this conversation, rooted in curiosity and noting the special circumstances, could help shift the family towards being aligned on how to suffer through the moment together with grace rather than arguing with each other because we’re all scared.
On a scale of 1 to 10, where do we think our family dynamic is? What are some things we can do to improve that? When was the last time we purposefully had a caring conversation with our Mom and Dad or Siblings to help lay some of that family foundation we’re going to need when the estate is settling? How can we help move our families forward?